well....to be absolutely honest and candid as in private journals...this is what i wish.
to choose consciously to be present with these "hundred forms of fear" that manifest as perceptual tricks of sight, sound and mind.
and speak....only just to be heard.
i sometimes experience intense rage and fury, often having no real idea why, some mysterious PTSD trigger violently ripping the lid off of the "pandora's box" deep within.
have come to label these emotional implosions as "road-rage without the vehicle".
what exactly is it that i wish to express ?
the process....this precious medium of self-exploration, discovery, articulation and expression.
without which i doubt i would still have chosen to continue in life.
until a few months ago, daily life presented as a terrifying landscape riddled with hidden emotional "land-mines".
for example, almost daily, i would be enjoying a reasonably positive and productive day, until at around dinnertime being suddenly triggered into extreme anxiety and depression....having no idea why.
was also mystified to observe that this phenomenon rarely occured on mondays.
working along with an expert mental health/addiction counselor, as well as daily journalling, i was to realize that these triggers were related to early life circumstances in the family home.
dinner time was when my father returned home from his work, so often i remember being terrified to go home after school fearing my father's "bad" moods.
this was also the time of "shift change"....because my mother would leave for evening waitress work at a local restaurant from 6: p.m til 1: a.m every evening but monday.
if my father was in a nasty state, which was quite often, this meant he had us alone behind closed doors for the whole evening.
almost to the day, since realizing that these historical body memories were very likely the triggers into extreme dinnertime panic attacks decades later, those same related sudden emotional implosions ceased.
imagine the relief.
No comments:
Post a Comment