freedom of expression ?

freedom of expression....what exactly does that look like ?
experience suggests it's an ideal....something to aim for.
do i feel free to express ?....no !
why is that ?....some guesses....

1 ) cultural/societal/familial expectations.
2 ) not airing "dirty" laundry in public.
3 ) fear of revealing "dark"side of personality.
4 ) ancient fear of unreasonable extreme reactions, punishment and condemnation.
5 ) body memory of "don't speak" rule of family-of-origin home.
6 ) real-life experiences in adult life of harsh consequences due to "free" expressions.
7 ) instinctive urge to belong as one of the "pack".
8 ) not wishing to be seen as the "odd" man out for fear of being "culled" from the pack.

these are a few guesses.

i am a creature who has lived with almost constant fear.
imagine the dog who has been consistently beaten with a stick while young, picture the tail between the legs.
imagine this dog having been rescued and gone to a kind gentle owner.
whenever the new master lifted a stick with innocent intention, the dog compulsively cowered, tail betwen it's legs, cringing in a corner.....an instinctive knee-jerk reaction.
imagine this dog when anyone other than the owner (old or new) lifted a stick....sudden attack !
no one would ever beat this dog again....not if it could help it !

it is certainly not easy to admit to myself or others as being that dog. i accept it has been so.

am i seeking sympathy ?
damn right no !!!
understanding, hopefully acceptance, to be heard, that is all !

anyone with critical judgement or advice, save it.
is there anyone there who will just listen....that's all....just listen ?

have lived life in shame and guilt as someone who was unable to get over what occured, while my siblings seemed to know how to do this.

a reknowned family dynamics and addiction expert named "john bradshaw" states....
"a family is like an army, it has no mercy for it's deserters !"
yes, i fled, it was all too much for me....and for any of you to stand in judgement of this, who are you to look down your nose at this pilgrim, or any other ?

have said this before on this site....i am filled with rage, grief and disappointment at feeling judged, convicted and excommunicated by the "pack" called my blood family.

during all those years of feeling lost and alone, these folks were the last people i would ever turn to for emotional or moral support.

still i imagine i've been branded a weakling, traitor and a failure.