not so simple

been wrestling lately with inner editor/censor.
began this blog-journalling process believing it would be simple to transfer candor and spontaneity of private journal entries to these pages.
easier said than done.
today decided to jump into deeper section of the pool.
acknowledge process of inner dialogue and self-determination as to what ends up being expressed here.
aiming at "truth"....seems to be about the journey and NOT the destination !

had to consider "anonymity" principle of 12-step program....it is AA's pivotal guiding principle.

chose AA some years back....seemed to offer a more predictably stable and "sober" atmosphere than NA rooms....of course from this recovering addict's view only....which is what matters ultimately.

for a long time i struggled with uttering "my name is.......and i am an alcoholic !" in the AA rooms.

felt like some kind of "special" addict/alcoholic as the drug of choice for this dude had long ago become marijuana.

have yet to encounter a "marijuana-anonymous" group, and after several uncomfortable visits to the rooms of "narcotics anonymous", there seemed no realistic option for this addict but to attend AA meetings.

early life history for this guy was all about exploring and exploiting the "soft" recreational drugs of the "hippie" movement ( alcohol, pot, hash, LSD, mushrooms ).
the first 16 years of my adventures with intoxication as a lifestyle were all about the booze....whatever was available.
had first drink at age 10, smoked first joint age 26.

still to this day it's challenging to be in the company of chronic "hard" drug users in and around the rooms of recovery....just hard to identify with or relate to most of the stories.

after about 2 and 1/2 years of discomfort and wondering if i "belonged" in the AA rooms, a long-timer kindly pulled me aside and directed me to the page in our "big book" which states that no-one can decide i'm an alcoholic but me....ever ! what a freedom this was....i now knew i belonged in the rooms of AA, for my reasons and because i decided it !

since then, have made a conscious decision to "make" myself at home in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous.

reminded of my late mum's rule of thumb at home....being a large household, lots of kids with lots of visiting friends, her stated rule was...."the first visit i'll make you a sandwich, the second visit you make yourself at home and get your own sandwich, and of course clean up afterward !"

seemed to work fine for her and us !