random chapters

was visiting with friend today who has read blogs to date, positive feedback....great !

if these entries are ever bound together in a collection....i think that's called a "book", the title ought to be something like "random chapters" (not necessarily in any order).
chronological sensibility has never been a strength....might have something to do with all that smoke-doping along the way.
the only way this process seems to work is to just spit out whatever appears next on top of the jumbled store of tall-tales, experiences, lessons learned, etc. stuffed down in the ol' gunny-sack !

spoken often of 12-step meetings and the "program" of recovery that seems to work so well for me.

this malady called addiction (as well as the complication of PTSD) manifests with me as a disease of perception....almost always not feeling able to trust my thoughts, beliefs, responses, emotions, wishes and/or ambitions as being TRUE !

one of the central symptoms of my father's version of this sickness was, not being able to be anything but RIGHT !!!....ever, about anything or anyone, at any time !
he seemed to be uncontrollably compelled to attempt to confuse the "enemy"...basically anyone who expressed an opinion other than his !

i've read about this sort of tactic while studying issues regarding war...."confuse the enemy", "keep the enemy guessing", "plant seeds of doubt within the mind of the enemy" etc.

my father was in fact at war with the world he knew....the enemy being everyone....and the battleground was our family home....BEHIND CLOSED DOORS !

only recently, after much persistent hard work, and more than a little "divine" intervention, do i experience moments when there's no compulsive need to triple check my every thought, emotion, belief and response, the early-life conditioning having been so profound and complete.

there's a promise made within the context of our 12-step literature that goes something like this.
if one is painstaking about this phase of their spiritual development, they will intuitively know how to deal with things which used to baffle them !
yup, it's happening for this guy....imagine how freeing this is for someone who was convinced there was no hope for relief from existence in a chronic state of "high alert".
learning how to manage and somewhat tame the beast seemed the best i could possibly hope for in this life.

to be able to trust my thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and responses as true and valid just as they're experienced, in real time....this is truly a miracle for me.

just like the desert dweller, no need to explain what life-giving water tastes like.

the 12-step rooms have proven to be an oasis....i am truly grateful.