don't speak, feel or trust !

i was born into a violent unpredictable hostage environment....probably like many of that era.

the 3 basic rules were....DON'T speak....DON'T feel....DON'T trust !!!...and let's all pretend this is a "normal" safe home, shall we ?
i was 11 years old when awakening from the second attempted murder at the hands of my father, the first being at age 7.
at other times i had witnessed him "killing" my 2 older brothers....the rest of us ( 8 kids in total ) having been forced to witness the beatings.

much to my surprise....we just didn't die....it sure seemed like murder to me....a drunken raging 200 pound man viciously beating and strangling his innocent children....with no reservations at all as i remember.

i will speak more of these and other acts of abuse and torture.
at this time, i wish only to provide background to help explain later decisions, attitudes, and beliefs that have ultimately led me to here and now.
i have probably lived out any and all variations on the victim/hostage/casualty personas.

i am not fishing for sympathy....perhaps some understanding, hopefully compassion....it certainly hasn't been an easy road.
i have been carrying around a gunny-sack full of intense, convoluted and confused emotions for far too long.
this journalling process has helped greatly as a medium to focus and articulate the truth of what happened....express it....and....LET IT GO !

this telling isn't about blame....or even responsibility....who exactly is to blame for countless preceding generations of  folks doing whatever they felt was appropriate given the times and prevailing conditions ?

i am living in the mystery these days....each moment an invitation to look deeper, explore, discover, articulate and express that which seems to be so....just for today.
i have little interest in opinions....particularly mine....they have proven to be as reliable and predictable as the weather.
am discovering an endless wealth of personal experience to mine....almost 64 years on this planet....and still alive and alert is remarkable to me, as well as a few functional brain-cells to put to the challenge.
given what i know about myself....this is nothing short of a miracle.
AA's 12-step methodology suggests that not one millisecond has been wasted....that somehow, in some way this experience might be useful to myself and/or others.