getting it right...OR ELSE !

hit some kind of wall today....been quite reluctant to speak in this format.....curious !
fear....of what, of whom ?
tricks of the ego-mind.
for this pilgrim, it's amazing how initial perceptions dictate emotional reactions.
as if each sensory observation throughout the day triggers the instinctive reptilian fight/flight/freeze/camouflage survival response.
understand completely that in this time and place, there is no audience for these expressions.
am 100% in control of whether what is spoken ever reaches other eyes or ears.
recognize decades old tendency to pre-edit content of....whatever....believing i must get it just right....OR ELSE !
certainly understand how that personal trait was born.

in the 12-step rooms, alcoholism/addiction is described as a disease of perception.
absolutely true through this guy's life experience.

for most of life, these eyes perceived almost all others as potential threats.
being so sensitive to intense knee-jerk emotional reactions around people, it became a survival tactic to remain aloof, and avoid any form of intimate relations.

the pain of this isolation and alienation finally became unbearable.
it became clear there were only 2 choices....commit suicide to end the suffering, or choose life and move toward the seeming impossible task of re-joining the human race.

since embarking upon a sincere mission to heal and learn how to live in the world again ( not of it ! ),
now observe that most people no longer immediately appear dangerous through these eyes.
through no conscious effort on my part in the moment, it's as if a veil of fear and mistrust has fallen away.

by the grace of my higher power, a lot of hard slogging through scary territory, and with the help of so many friends, supporters and allies in the "recovery" world, to quote the old spiritual song, " i was blind, and now i see !"

no-one needs explain to a desert dweller what water tastes like !