ready, willing....and ABLE !

16 days since beginning this blogging process....certainly a lot of progress.
most important function is to release the old untold stories....to free up the inner workings....and see what happens from here.
for an old "pro"-crastinator, am amazed to feel so ready, willing and ABLE to sit here and let it flow.
why stop now ?

again at age 7, that was a tough year for sure....my father sent me over to the local swimming pool to fetch my oldest brother home for dinner.
off i went, eventually approaching the outer fence of the pool, "believing" i had caught my brother's eye....and with a wave of my arm motioned for him to come home.
i again "believed" he understood and would hurry back to the house.
he didn't hurry home, in fact he was well overdue when finally arriving.

of course, by this time my father was working himself up to another dynamic "rage" episode.
my mother had gone to work by this time.
he ushered us all into the living room and sat us down on the couch to watch....as he was going to "teach" my older brother a lesson he would never forget.
this was even more an experience of horror than anything before or since, having no choice but to witness my father mercilessly beating our brother (seemingly to death), culminating in picking him up like a rag-doll and hurling him about 3 meters across the room, as hard as he could, up against the wall.
he almost didn't live to remember or forget the "lesson" !

"DON'T SAY ANYTHING !!!"

this was all my father said as he left us in the room, with our brother laying unconscious on the floor.
it seemed forever before he stirred and came to consciousness.
even at our tender ages, we understood he might likely lay there dead.

of course, i was convinced it was all my fault for not being certain to communicate dad's wishes to my older brother at the pool.

have had to stop writing and sit with the wordless horror of that moment....what is there to say ?
what was there to say? what was there to do ? who was there to tell ?
this was yet another incident that never reached our mother's ears.
i sometimes wonder if having told her would have made any difference....sadly, i think not !

have always carried with me a sense of "needing" to tell the world what happened, believing that only by doing so would  these deep internal issues be complete.

have shared most of the horror stories with counselors along the way....but often wished for a day in court to reveal the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, to society at large.
this man committed crimes for which these days he would be jailed for.
this man was never called to worldly justice.
he did eventually die alone, with most of his "family" not wanting to have anything to do with him.
never once did he seem to experience or display remorse, and to my knowledge, never once did he utter the words " i'm sorry ! "

for myself, being someone working the AA methodology towards healing, peace and serenity, it is for me to reveal these dark secrets, bring them to the light of day, and allow myself to finally be free to move forward, to have that life i had come to believe would never be possible.

there's more....much more....

time to rest and assimilate these intense emotions roiling about within.