why then speak ?

fascinating process this....understanding that whatever i may hold to be true in this moment will certainly change.
knowing this fact presents the challenge....why then speak ?
something like the blank canvas for the visual artist....one stroke or swash at a time reveals the eventual whole....or for the one who sculpts....one whittle or chip at a time.

"kavi"...this name was bestowed upon me by more former yoga master, in 1990 at a solemn sacred ceremony described as "initiation".....a ritual of surrender and devotion.
this signified a commitment to a life of poverty, chastity and selfless service....much like monks and nuns of our most faiths.
in those days i wished only just to be my master's faithful loving servant.....for life !

"kavi" means...."poet"....i was soon to discover it's translation from india's mother language, sanskrit.
hmmmmm.....in those times that was the last thing i would have called myself.
some twenty years later, here i sit searching for the next "most appropriate" word to express....????....who knows what.

while living at the ashram i encountered a world-renowned east indian vedic astrologer.
when he learned of my sanskrit name....he declared through his translator...."aahhhh....kavi....one who goes where even the sun cannot go !"

while considering personal motives for embarking upon this project (book)....it's most likely number #1....revealing lessons learned and challenges met while lost and wandering in those dark and lonely places where even the sun could not reach.

i have been to hell....and back....and back....and back again.
what have i learned ? that's where the fallen angels dwell !

by my higher power's grace and mercy the gates of hell were opened to let me out....so far the gates of heaven remain closed to allow me in.
i must be working at earning back my wings.

p.s.....later that day....

since writing this entry, i left for my usual daily AA meeting, having committed to the chairperson role this day.
after the session, while counting the customary donations, i was to discover an unusual coin, on it was the inscription "when you come to the edge of all you know, you must believe in one of two things, there will be earth upon which to stand or, you will be given wings !"
only a few hours after penning the line about earning back my wings.

a little synchronistic message from on high...
sometimes my higher power speaks to me in this way....often actually.

i must be doing something right !