success ?

sep 14/11
later that afternoon...or is it this afternoon ?
often pictured self as a writer....but couldn't imagine being anything but shallow and pretentious....this is obviously still true....but since pulling head out of proverbial "sand"....am observing that this fact seems no real obstacle to success....
question...."what would "success" look like ?
hmmmmm.....facing, feeling, acknowledging and accepting myriad "fears" that surface while engaged with this process....
in theory, these are words available to anyone/everyone....not so comfortable and secure as private journal entries.
must be fully present to observe mind-tricks that compel me to seek emotional safe ground....and be willing to proceed with an honest open mind and heart.
long ago resigned to "poverty" level financial circumstances....existing on barely adequate disability pension.
life experience has taught me to not overstep personal capacities....meaning everytime i actually had a few bucks....i inevitably was compelled to squander it.
i am reminded of an elderly gentleman encountered in a small village in india.
at age 50, i had determined to celebrate by realizing a life-long dream....to visit and tour india.
a canadian friend, upon hearing of these upcoming travels, asked if i would pass along $ 20 to a fellow he knew of at one of my destinations there.
of course i agreed, and quite by accident encountered this man while out exploring the countryside nearby the town.
this kind and gentle soul invited me to visit his home and family.
upon discovering this was the very same fellow my friend had mentioned, i presented him with said money in rupees.
he happily accepted, but soon i noticed he seemed quite uncomfortable and anxious having the "cash" in pocket, and within a half hour or so had dispatched various family members here and there to fetch this and that....and only when the "cash" was gone....did he dramatically visibly relax.
i realized he was quite unfamiliar with having "cash" in his daily life....after all, his wealth was measured in water buffalo and their milk....and "cash" was definitely something he did not wish to have around at all.
he seemed so like me, that "cash" burned a hole in his pocket also !