divine intervention

saw shrink today....was asked....when was the moment exactly of the turnaround from despair to hope ?
good question...was actually paying very close attention at that precise moment.
had returned from a 8,000 mile road-trip spring of 2010....to the exact location i had determined would never return to. ( a beautiful island in the strait between vancouver island and the lower mainland of BC.)
life, fate, the mysterious forces that be, directed me back.
during this expedition, was actually hours from the mexican border, heading to belize in my trusty camper van.
a friend with property there had extended an open invitation to come and stay indefinitely....seemed like a very good idea to me.
was about 20 miles east of baton rouge, louisiana....suddenly began experiencing acute abdominal pain.
had already picked up a hitch-hiker, who just happened to be in possession of a working cell-phone.
within less than an hour, i was unable to drive, hunched over in agony, and the pain was getting worse, fast !
fortunately this fellow was able to call 911 for an ambulance, and within another hour i was being prepared for emergency surgery to attend to a ruptured abdominal hernia.
had this been a day later, would have been in mexico....can't begin to imagine that scenario.
thank the lucky stars the baton rouge hospital chose to honour my canadian health card....as i carried no travel medical insurance.
the doctor was emphatic....had i arrived an hour later, i likely would have died, as the internal infection was spreading fast.

my hitch-hiker friend had kindly stayed with the van until my return....surely an angel in disguise.
upon release from hospital it was obvious that belize was no longer in the cards.
after dropping off my saviour friend, only one choice, head due north, to my home province of ontario, as obviously, i would be in need of follow-up medical care a.s.a.p.
from that point on it became clear, the most practical place to be eventually, was in fact the place i had called home in BC, that very place i'd left weeks before.....never to return.
after receiving medical clearance , had determined for yet another time, that life in ontario was not for me, off i headed back to the west coast of canada.
after all was said and done, had covered approximately 8,000 miles in 6 weeks or so, only to arrive exactly where i had begun.
again....the best laid plans of mice and men.
back to the crucial moment, the moment of truth !
unfortunately/fortunately that "ME" i had been attempting to escape from, chose to come along for the ride....and when i was finally brought to a screeching halt....darnedest thing...there i was waiting for me.
and the emotional/psychic pain was soon agonizing in intensity.
there seemed to be no solution, i felt unable to stay in one place, and now was medically unable to continue travelling.
it seemed that as long as i had stayed a mile or two ahead of the ghosts and demons nipping at my heels, the pain would subside....as long as i kept moving.
now what ?
i couldn't stay on the island....everywhere i turned proved to be another intense emotional trigger....and like so many other places at so many other times....i now knew where to find my long-time sweetheart....mary-jane.
that was my typical m.o....once i found myself unable to stop pot use, i would pack up and leave for somewhere i didn't know....often fleeing to the usa, knowing i wouldn't dare risk smoking weed for fear of getting caught.
no-one has to explain that i'm a classic alcoholic/addict....for as long as i could remember, i could never stop at the first or second drink and/or toke.....more was always better.
relapses lasted for weeks or months....once i'd re-adapted to the pothead lifestyle.
too much always ended up being not enough !
i stole myself away from thee...and me....for love of sweet mary-jane !
at this point in life (15 months ago), the inevitable had occurred for this pothead....the weed had stopped working...it had become like a poison to my system.
i couldn't smoke marijuana any more....and the emotional agony of sobriety seemed unending and unbearable.
now what ?
suicide seemed the only realistic option to end the pain, anxiety and confusion.
i had planned it out, taken along the rope, and drove out into the nearby wilderness....to a remote area i knew of....wishing only for merciful death.
of course at that moment of truth the action was not so easy to follow through on, so i prayed and prayed, cried and cried, wailed and wailed....certain that the god i used to believe was there....was too busy for me at that time.
i prayed anyway....that my god would eventually hear these cries and help me.
it must have worked, as before long i experienced a sense of relief and intuitively knew that my god was available to me again.
i became aware of the fact that it wasn't life i wished to end, it was the pain !
history took over...i was led to the alcohol and drug services of the town i now live in.
within 15 months, through the grace and mercy of the god of my understanding, i am no longer homeless, am able to actually enjoy my small 1 bedroom flat, and have a supportive network of friends and allies locally.
i've begun to feel stable and strong enough to reach out to friends and family i had long ago abandoned.
i must honour myself....because at that moment of truth, i intuitively understood that there was help available, and my job now was to seek it out.
i was now willing, if not completely able, to do whatever it would take to save my own life.
there's been lots of suffering since, lots of confusion, learning how to face down those ghosts and demons, nine months in a government sponsored safe house with 24/7 counselors available to help me through the toughest of times.
there came a time some 6 months ago, when the powers that be at this facility suggested i venture out into the world again....it was decided i was ready to be "gently nudged" out of the safety of the nest.
and here i sit....independent in my own flat....feeling secure within myself finally.
it's easy to be grateful....i know i've cheated death over and over...this is definitely borrowed time.
to the best of my ability daily, i continue to move forward....by the grace of my higher power....and the love and support of many recovering alcoholics and addicts who continue to guide the way for me and others like me.