ashram life cont'd

more about ashram life.

have had to consider the wisdom of awakening so many sleeping dogs.
even keeping names and places out of it, those who were there would likely already know who and what i speak of.
after all, how many ashram's in north america with over 300 staff people are there ?
since signing up for facebook, have discovered a whole network of former volunteers available to connect with.
call me mr cliche....beginning to reflect and speak about that era has certainly opened up a "can of worms" of confused convoluted feelings.
that was about a 7 year stretch of intense emotional investment in what i now believe to have been a "cult".
have spoken briefly about the guru's fall from grace, amid allegations of sexual misconduct and financial skullduggery.
am not qualified to speak to those issues....but i was there when the proverbial doodoo hit the fan.
as a lowly serf in the hierarchy, i was one of the last to learn about the scandal that rocked our known world then.
was devastated to learn one morning in late autumn of '94, that my beloved guru had been "fired" and would be departing the premises ( the house that he built ) within 3 or 4 days....forever !
i was gazing out of our dining hall window as the guru's motorcade left the grounds for the last time.
there were angry residents running along behind, cursing and hurling objects at the vehicles.
later that evening there was a large bonfire on the property....burning any reminder that he had ever been there.
this was the place i had hoped to call home for this lifetime, having taken sacred vows and been quite intent on fulfilling my end of the bargain.

talk about the best laid plans of mice and men.

within 8 weeks i had had enough, life there had become intolerable and no longer resembled anything i wished to commit to.
it seemed as if the heart had been ripped out of the beast....my beloved guru was gone to parts unknown, seemingly forever, through no wilful choice of mine.
before long found myself on a bus headed west to vancouver, canada.

now what ?

the unknown seemed preferable to the confusion, anxiety, and undercurrent of rage that permeated the ashram community after the guru's demise.
i had experienced heartbreak before, but nothing like this, still believe that much of an abiding deep personal sense of grief and fury is related to those times and that particular set of circumstances.

have often wished to write about those days as seen through these eyes.

in 2005, experienced painful break-up from woman i was convinced i loved endlessly.
would have done anything to keep that relationship together.
in retrospect, so glad we're not together now, the dysfunction would only have gotten worse.
same with the guru experience....comfortable now with awareness that there was never really the same commitment on his part....towards me.

live and learn !