PTSD #1

been re-reading posts....noticing tendency to "perform" or "impress"....obviously choosing words differently from recent private journal entries.
natural thing i guess....
i now wish to speak freely....forgetting about potential audience....and let er rip....from the hip.
subject to challenging mysterious emotional relapses....what i mean is....often, ( but less frequent than earlier days ), triggered into confusing convoluted jumble of intense disturbing emotions.
i most often observe this occuring in group settings.
some years ago i latched onto phrase "i'm allergic to dysfunction !"
many years of attempting to understand or "crack the code" of these mysterious internal implosions have led to a few conclusions.
these can be described as PTSD episodes (Post-Trauma-Stress-Disorder).
approximately 90% of emotional intensity has been directly related to past experience(s).
approximately 10% of emotional intensity was directly related to real-time circumstantial facts.
PTSD and it's frustrating, confusing and deeply disturbing symptoms have been this dude's "cross-to-bear" throughout life.
many times i came to decide that life with this seemingly incurable emotional/perceptual disorder was not worth living....truly believing i was "terminally unique" and hopelessly incurable.
having shared some of this despair with others with similar experience (12-step meetings), i came to the first crucial awareness that would provide hope....I WAS NOT ALONE !
til this day, i feel it's impossible to attempt to relate the truth of my life's experience with the only living survivors ( 7 siblings ) of what precipitated the suffering....life in the homes of my family of origin....before i felt strong and brave enough to escape.
i believe that it's highly unlikely any of them would choose to read these posts.
there never has seemed to be an honest opening to share the horrific truth of how i've been affected by what happened.
we were all there....8 kids born within 13 years...quite close in age.
they all seem to have known how to put the atrocities, torture and abuse behind them, and create successful lives and families.
not this guy !
it seemed as if i was born not knowing that one special secret....HOW to put the horror and terror behind me.
all i could manage was to bury it, to move about the world avoiding, denying, running from, minimizing the truth of that endless suffering.
after discovering booze, at least i had a dependable medication to make the world seem right for a while.
it wasn't long before determining the appropriate dosing required....and life became one-pointed....make sure i had the meds i "needed" to function....and keep this secret from any and all prying eyes.
a sudden fork in the road took me to a whole new world at age 26.
and as previously stated, i met my one true love....sweet mary-jane !"

i stole myself away from thee, and me,  for love of sweet mary jane.