mysterious ways

before turning to this blogsite....had been journaling daily with video blogger camera....for about 9 months .
being a self-admitted electronic dinosaur, had yet to educate self on how to transfer these video entries onto the computer.
so-o-o-o, considering they were intended as personal journal entries, they haven't been saved.
sometimes it occured to me to store them, but also being a self-admitted procrastinator, that had yet to happen.
i could have saved them to cd's....i could have done a lot of things, but it seemed i was satisfied with viewing the entries on the TV monitor....and deleting them as the storage space within the camera became full.

about 6 weeks ago, i happened to be enjoying a canadian football league game being played in my home town, and for some reason the cameraman turned the focus to a close-up of my younger brother in the grandstands, not once but twice.
this seemed remarkable to me, and without conscious intention, found myself thinking of him and other close family members for the next several days.
it so happened i was working on a certain phase of the 12-step process at that time, and reflecting upon unfinished business with family was just where i needed to be.
have come to accept these so-called coincidences as a part of the fabric of daily life experience....and considered this occurence as no accident.

approximately 2 weeks later, awoke to discover an e-mail from a sister i hadn't heard from in several years.
this same brother (2 years younger) was now in hospital having suffered a massive stroke and they weren't sure he would survive.

he has survived and is paralyzed on one side of his body, and now engaged with the process of re-learning how to walk and talk.

of course, i feel all sorts of emotions related to what happened with my brother, as well as his family, but what came of this from my point of view, was motivation....to finally get off the couch and start writing.

that could easily have been me, being 2 years his senior, with common genetic tendencies and a similar history of substance abuse.

suddenly the not-so-fine art of procrastination was lifted from me.

not being a puppy any more, am convinced that one main reason i'm still here is to share experience, strength and hope of the journey to date....as a legacy....with the hopes of making a difference somehow.

often struggle with assessing actual personal motivation(s) for writing, as this process unfolds.

today, for example, it seemed i needed the comfort and safety of video-journalling with the blogger camera, to sort out some frustrating and confusing emotions, before feeling able to sit here and speak honestly, open-mindedly and willingly.

one thing is certain....these entries must not fall prey to ego enhancement or glorification....as i am a sucker for any hint of that motivation....which can so easily draw me in.

have always been one to seek the quick fix, rather than endure emotional duress in any given moment.

in the 12-step rooms, our ritual opening includes sharing a moment of silence in honour of the still suffering alcoholic/addict.

often reflect upon how i was most definitely guided and protected during those lost times wandering in a desert of hopelessness, isolation, alienation and despair, (no doubt i ought to be dead many times over).

choose to believe that it was the grace of those collective prayers being uttered in however many thousands of 12-step rooms at any given moment of any given day.....that saved my sorry butt, again and again and again.

today i am truly grateful for my health, (mental, physical, emotional and spiritual), as 16 months ago, was completely bankrupt in all of these aspects of life.

the stories of what's transpired during that period will unfold here.

i can honestly declare that not one major life-altering circumstance since then has been contrived or scripted on my part.

from the moment of truth, when i became absolutely willing to go to any lengths to save my life, and would reach out for any and all help, guidance and support available, the universe has continued to present opportunities to move forward, in ways i could have never dreamed of.

more to come.....