this too shall pass

what a night....a full-fledged PTSD episode....completely taken over by traumatic emotions.
it's always been the case that while under PTSD's influence, my belief was "it's always been this way, and always will be this way !"

so-o-o....tomorrow has come....the episode has passed....thanks to the powers that be !

there was a time when these "attacks" would occur 3 or 4 times weekly, for months on end.
i believed there was no help....that i was "cursed" somehow.
any hope for a better life lay in studying each episode while engrossed in the traumatic feelings....to see what could be learned so i might "nip it in the bud" next time around.
i did experience some success, learning to identify the early signals, and do what was possible not to fuel the "panic attack" with more raging fear.
of 60-plus PTSD episodes over the last decade, more than half have resulted in some degree of temporary physical paralysis.
these would usually occur while in a group of people, or within the context of an intimate love relationship....suddenly finding myself mysteriously triggered into extreme panic.
i most often lost my balance, falling to the ground or to a nearby chair, barely able to move, hyperventilating, with intense tingling sensations, as well as paralysis throughout my extremities
after 3 or 4 of these experiences it became clear i wouldn't die....the average duration of the episodes being 3 to 4 hours until feeling strong enough to walk, and sometimes days before feeling "normal" again
the triggers have almost always been social and utterly mysterious in nature.
i had been able to reduce the chances of a PTSD episode occurring by simply avoiding group encounters....and sadly, intimate relations of any kind.

last evening was a classic example of a PTSD attack....except the paralysis didn't occur, for that i am truly thankful.
the sense of extreme terror and confusion was as strong as ever.
fortunately, i knew to leave the current situation, and make my way "home".
it's not so long ago, i had no safe "home" to retreat to.
the PTSD was so out of control, the best i could manage was a camper van and life on the run.
that lifestyle...along with this dude....had gotten old along the way....as spoken about in earlier entries.

for the longest time, marijuana seemed the perfect medicine,
having never experienced a PTSD episode while under the influence of pot.

of course, there eventually came a time when mary-jane turned completely against me, instead of being that trusted soothing medicine, she became like a vile poison....making me physically ill.

and here i am....learning how to face these demons....clean and sober....one day at a time.
thanks to the powers that be, the AA program and community, and a stubborn will to be free of the "curse" of PTSD.

this too shall pass....






"