i am a liar

i am a liar
so sayeth the truth-teller !

sometimes i lie about my late father
i want the world to understand what kind of a monster he was at times
sometimes i exaggerate details to make him seem more demonic and myself more the innocent victim
although most of what i've reported occurred before i was of legal responsible age
i was in fact an innocent, helpless, hostage and victim
these were the formative years
it's no surprise i would be hard-wired this way

what was the lie ?

he did not actually kick my front teeth out at age 12
a combination of poor oral hygeine, several hard blows to my face by him, the fact that our tap water was not fluoridated....and sugar sugar sugar.....combined to contribute to the dentist deciding my 4 front adult teeth had to be removed at age 12

the rest written here is the truth as i know it today

of course he was a human being
he wasn't all bad
perhaps now since publicly revealing the sins and crimes he committed behind closed doors
i might be able to objectively acknowledge the positive influences he was responsible for

this i pray for

even speaking of him causes me to shudder and cringe
that culture of terrorism, minimizing and denial
and especially the taboo regarding speaking at all
still seems second-nature within me

i cannot exaggerate the depth of terror i lived with as a child
i cannot imagine a more fearsome being than how my father appeared to me
he is an example of the ultimate bully !
whatever his intentions, he was responsible for soul-rape upon me
he consistently demonstrated utter disregard for my humanity
and profound indifference as to my life's hopes and aspirations
i was in fact considered less than human by him
i was a work animal
i was useful as long as i was able to continue working
and providing him with his necessary pocket money
this is not an exaggeration....it is the stone cold truth

i doubt that much of what occurred was personal
it was what he knew....
in my objective opinion, he was criminally insane
he didn't ever seem to think there was anything askew with his world view
i heard him say " i'm sorry " once....shortly before he died
i did not believe him then....i don't know what to believe now

i imagine i've experienced whatever human shortcomings that he likely suffered with
fortunately certain people i physically harmed didn't die...or myself at other times
the cycle of violence did play out for me well into my late 30's
fortunately, i've received so much help
i've always known i needed help
although it took some time to seek it out
i imagine he could never accept that he needed help
i remember as a child thinking....if only my father would get some help
i heard my mother say that many times
of course he never did seek help

i see people around me daily that remind me of him
people in "recovery" who have found a way to stop drinking alcohol
but seem to have no interest in risking letting go of their negative, resentful and vindictive ways
my father carried those beliefs and attitudes to his grave

it's been quite a journey through life seeking to find some redeeming qualities about my father
yet being absolutely blinded by the visceral horror of his sins and crimes visited upon me and my family

the worst criminal i've ever encountered was he.
the most domineering, vile and toxic human being i've ever encountered was he
the most manipulative merciless mind-raper i've ever encountered was he
i've been around and had a look
what i say is true

his soul has long ago been in the hands of the powers that be

if he were to appear today, i wonder if i could face him eye to eye

this man who saw no problem with rubbing my face in dog-shit and pissy sheets
this man who struck me hundreds of times about the face and head
without the ability to defend myself or tell anyone
this man who murdered me twice....only i didn't die
this man who murdered my 2 older brothers....only they didn't die
this man who forced me (us) to watch as he viciously beat one or more of my siblings
this man who had a habit of beating our dogs mercilessly....so many nights i cried myself to sleep having to listen to the mournful whelps and yowls coming from downstairs
this man who made a career out of degradation, invalidation and visiting me (us) with bitter contempt
seeming to take perverse pleasure from this
this man who tortured and mind-raped me as a distraction from his boredom
this man who systematically stole my childhood and any hopes for a functional life
this man who robbed me of any hope of fathering children

i had become such a dangerous violent person, i instinctively knew i must not have kids
i knew i would hurt them
i knew i could not control the explosive temper i had developed during early days at his hands

how could i ever dream of forgiving this human being ???
how ???

i don't know....i i imagine i might never know....

so many days, months, years, decades of carrying this sorrow, grief, hurt, indignation and rage....
the rage at being left S.O.L. and absolutely on my own by everyone and anyone who might have helped back in those hurtful days
the rage at being exiled by the only living survivors (my sibs) of what happened
seemingly to protect their preferred collective version of where they come from

please god relieve me of this burden
i cannot go on like this
forgive him as he knew not what he did
god rest his soul...and mine as well

amen