ghosts and demons

response to message from my niece....who, since a recent family tragedy, suffers with PTSD.

PTSD....hmmmm....story of my life !

will be 64 soon, and only within the last 15 months have i felt "able" to be with the unexpected, mysterious, convoluted implosion of emotions and sensations called a PTSD episode, without running away, freaking out, self-medicating, or some other quick fix to soothe the suddenly awakened beast within.

fortunately, have landed on my feet here in duncan, and been blessed with the opportunity of residing in a safe "home" sponsored by the local mental health and addiction services, until ultimately feeling able to move to an independent residence.

finally, i was to experience the stability, guidance and support needed to eventually face down the terrifying ghosts and demons of this man's version of PTSD.

it has never been easy.....honestly i had stopped believing there would ever be relief from the frighteningly intense PTSD  episodes that had plagued me throughout living memory.

about 9 months ago, i received a blogger camera as a gift, and almost immediately began using it for daily therapeutic journal entries.....often raging, ranting and cursing like a banshee, either during a PTSD episode, or through some other difficult emotional upset, as an outlet or release.
( fortunately my nearest neighbour is hard of hearing, and the landlord is a familiar acquaintance ).
anything to help the energy pass through my system....rather than perpetuate the chronic habit of stuffing and burying it all, out of fear that an emotional "explosion" might cause havoc with those around me.

this blogging process was also a crucial aid in processing the daily challenges of learning how to live without self-medicating....one day at a time.

when the "energy" of a particular episode had subsided, i would hook the video camera up to the TV monitor, (sometimes 2, 3 or 4 entries daily), sit back, and observe this guy....me !
it was so helpful to witness that i wasn't the freaked out, terminally unique, alien monster i had imagined....actually was almost always pleasantly shocked and surprised to see that this character continually appeared quite "normal" on screen.

it has also been crucial to have worked hard at creating a supportive network, including an excellent mental health/addictions counselor, membership in two 12-step groups with plenty of unconditional support whenever i found myself struggling, and while residing at the "safe" apartment, 24/7 support staff was available for those extremely challenging stretches during early days in recovery.

I am convinced that only someone who has experienced  PTSD  first hand is capable of empathizing, and completely understanding this devastating, mysterious, frustrating, deeply disturbing syndrome.

even a professional can't speak to the personal horror and terror of PTSD, if they have not experienced it themselves.

others can think what they wish, if they haven't been through it, how can they know?

there have rarely been words to describe what a  PTSD  episode has been like for me while it was happening....the closest i can imagine would be a gut-wrenching scream.
unfortunately, that was virtually impossible for me, as almost always my throat would suddenly constrict and seize up so that sound could barely escape....as well as finding myself struggling just to breathe.

more to come....