what happened ?

not so many months ago, i would'nt have been ABLE to risk this process, and most certainly would not have progressed this far in relating the truth of what has occured.
i had come to believe that "addiction" and "PTSD" recovery concerns were two forever separate therapeutic issues.
it was easy to presume this as fact....as experience required me to seek help for the problems related to addiction through AA, or drug and alcohol counseling facilities.
whereas for the "mental/emotional" health difficulties, i was led to psychiatrists, psychologists, trauma support groups, etc.

what happened those few months back ?

"ghosts and demons !"....are what i've chosen to label those mysterious internal forces that had kept me on the run for so very long.
another way of describing this would be....those fearful secrets locked up within this dude's version of "pandora's box" !

i was literally that proverbial character high-tailing it down the highway with the hounds of hell nipping at his heels !

the prospect of jumping into the good ol' "escape-mobile" is no longer an option.
i have wisely sold the camper van to ensure i wouldn't find myself awakening in some other town, province, state, country or continent...after yet another "geographical cure".

and......mary-jane had finally turned against me....she was now like poison to my body, mind and soul.

what now ???

learning how to live indoors again has been the most challenging experience i've ever had to face.
these new tricks have shown to be especially difficult for this old dog.
no explanation needed why the "stuff" i was facing down daily would be labelled "ghosts and demons".

what a battle....everyday, day after day after day !....seemingly never to end.
the triggers were almost always unexpected and mysterious.
each and every PTSD episode, i had to ask myself this question....what happened this time ?
it seemed as if i was being attacked by some invisible mysterious exterior source.
how did i go instantly from calm easiness to extremely anxious, fearful and profoundly confused ?

imagine the daily challenge of knowing that i could barely cope emotionally within proximity of a group of others, compared with the equally painful prospect of having to contend with myself alone.

without mary-jane to console and comfort me !

as far as the human race was concerned...."i couldn't live with you, and couldn't live without you !"

to maintain "status" in the government sponsored "half-way" apartment i lived at, i was required to attend five 1 & 1/2 hour daily educational/support sessions offered by the local drug/alcohol services.

i had also returned through the doorways of AA, to give those folks another chance to be true to their promise...."they would love me til i learned to love myself !"

each of these "social" situations has proven to present me with every damn reason ever of why i didn't like or trust people in the first place !!!

talk about a slow excruciating process....suffering intense frustration and discomfort "having" to put up with other human's and their foibles....knowing that if i didn't, things would never improve, and i might just as well check off the planet and get it over with !

considering how shaky and miserable i felt during early recovery, as well as how unpredictable the emotional landscape proved to be daily, these meetings and sessions proved ultimately welcome, although extremely challenging, "social" events.

i coldn't help but notice that other's in the rooms of AA had something i wanted...."emotional sobriety".
having been through so much to come this far, i wasn't going to give up now, for any reason !

the "required" sessions, well, i determined to make the best of them, looking back, i can say this is true.

there always seemed to be something lacking there, as compared with AA.
there's likely another entry to come going into detail why i believe that was so.

still the battle raged within....in the seemingly endless campaign to face down and defeat those "ghosts and demons" of the past.

i had been running for so very long !

it was late one may evening of this year, while feeling particularly discouraged and emotionally and mentally exhausted....
that i found myself lying in bed wishing for merciful sleep, believing that i had worked so damn hard, for so damn long, and had gotten exactly nowhere.
like that proverbial greek dude who was doomed to push that damned rock up that damned hill....until the inevitable moment of almost achieving the goal, when the damned rock would slip, and off it would go down the damned hill again....this cursed drama playing out for eternity.

i had had enough, i remember thinking, i just could'nt carry on like it was, saying these exact words to myself....

"I GIVE UP....PLEASE GOD HELP ME...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP RE-TRAUMATIZING MYSELF....PLEASE HELP ME !!!"

until then, i had become profoundly convinced that in giving up the fight with those damned PTSD ghosts and demons....

"I WOULD SURELY DIE !"

feeling so completely defeated, i remember also thinking that i didn't care if i died, as life as it was seemed no longer worth living.

it wasn't long before drifting into a deep "prescribed-meds" sleep....to awaken the next morning with the powerful awareness that i was still alive....not actually having died after surrendering the heroic battle.

"I WAS STILL ALIVE !!!"

the war was over....i had finally raised the white flag, realizing i would and could never win against those powerful beasts.
there would be a never-ending supply of ghosts and demons for....well, eternity !

i had been relieved, by a power far greater than me, of what had seemed an eternal curse....which i'll describe as PTSD !

since that day, i no longer live in mortal dread that the next moment, indeed the next breath, would be that one that would take me out....perhaps for the last time !

this process i had lived through, upon reflection, describes what had long been advised by other alcoholics/addicts in recovery....as well as the AA teachings....

how many times had i read, heard and completely agreed with those simple words....

LET GO AND LET GOD !"....one of AA's common inspirational slogans.

darned if it didn't work for this old fool !

it seemed that the long-standing belief that i suffered with unrelated "dual" disorders proved not to be so !