sometime in my late thirties, a psychic shift occured, til this day i'm still unsure of exactly what happened.
i had come to realize that those uncontrollable explosions into physical violence had to stop.
there had been easily more than 40 "physical altercations" throughout life til then.
the compulsive isolation, paranoia, seemingly endless deep depressions, and life without intimacy had become too excruciating to endure.
i had met a woman at this time who was willing to be with me, warts and all.
this was after several years of painful self-imposed isolation and loneliness.
it seemed crucial that i make another attempt at assimilating into worldly affairs, if this partnership was going to work out.
my best guess is that these factors were the catalyst that brought about a mysterious inner transformation....from the obviously troublesome violent eruptions i had come to dread.....to what i call "emotional implosions"....or instantly internalizing whatever the upset was.
at the time i was grateful for this personality transformation, and found myself soon able to commit to finding and keeping work, as well as eventually setting up house with this woman.
i was certainly willing to live with these "implosions" as an improvement over the unpredictable violent outbreaks of the past.
more to come....
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