just for today

i am in recovery !
this is a common phrase within the circles i travel in these days.
from what ?....good question !
life !
strip away the labels, dual diagnoses, limited beliefs and distorted perceptions....the answer is simple....
life !
the only social contact i enjoy lately is within the "recovery" circles spoken about.
i live alone !
within the last year and a half or so, life's mission has become clear.
in order to continue living, i must learn how to be at peace with myself, others, and with life on life's terms.
why do i choose to live alone ?
that's a no-brainer for a few reasons....
1 ) after repeated failures at seeking happiness and fulfillment through partnerships with women, i now accept that this is not the way to go.
2 ) until the recent turnaround, i had completely given up on myself, others, and life on life's terms, consequently going to seed....60 pounds overweight, barely caring about hygeine or grooming, playing out the string in a state of hopeless misery.
3 ) i came to accept that minor confrontations, altercations, or uncomfortable reactions could often trigger mysterious extreme emotional upset....consequently i became realistically afraid of living with others at all.
4 ) my whole life's philosophy has been based in false beliefs, distorted perceptions, and confusing triggers into human-animal defensive modes ( fight / flight / run / freeze instincts.)
it's obvious i must re-learn how to trust in basic intuition and instincts again, before feeling fit to engage with another in honest, open-minded relations.
5 ) having placed my fate in the hands of the powers that be, i trust that if living in community or with a significant other is in the cards, it will happen....or not !
it's not my call !
6) ) have chosen a few times to live within conscious intentional communities....spiritual in focus.
this life-style ultimately proved lacking.
as long as i behaved like a good little automaton, life was peachy.
nothing like the "cult"-ure shock of life as a cult member to confuse one's social sensibilities.
i could never foresee how i might gain autonomy, self-assuredness and individuation through existence as just another institutionalized drone in the hive.
for all the perks, and there were many, the price was ultimately too high.

after writing above, found myself somewhat overwhelmed with feelings of grief and sorrow, not so much for the past, but for the reality of the present.
was led to prayer fairly quickly, being rightly concerned that depression could be looming.
the prayer was specific, "god, i'm feeling lonely and trapped in a cycle of chronic isolation, please help me !"
that was it....and soon drifted into a restless sleep.

i awoke today feeling restless, irritable and somewhat discontent, and forced myself to attend a noon AA meeting, believing from recent experience that i would feel better being around like minded souls.
as if in answer to that prayer, a trusted friend showed up at the meeting and invited me for a coffee and chat afterwards....great talk, was able to get a few things off my chest and receive some useful feedback regarding certain issues.
upon arriving home there was a voice-message asking if i'd like to join another trusted AA friend for thanksgiving dinner....of course i said yes.
it was quite an enjoyable time with a laughing child and young puppy frolicking about, as well as kind, friendly hospitable folks.
still the day wasn't done, as i was then invited to a newly starting men's AA meeting, where i was able to share some more with other recovering alcoholics.
all in all a great day, looking back none of it was contrived, it surely seemed as though those sincere prayers were answered....

just for today !