this i can do

have shared the circumstances surrounding my mother's death in 1986. ( having returned from travels to discover she was dead and in the ground ).
this was such a disturbing heart-piercing experience, i vowed that this sort of thing would not repeat itself concerning my father.
anyone who's followed these entries to date might easily wonder, why would anyone, especially a tortured hostage child, wish to continue associating with such a cruel, indifferent and unremorseful man.
for me it was simple, even while he still lived, his monstrous ghost haunted my dreams.
the theme of these nightmares was consistent.
while dreaming, my father would always appear as a huge, merciless, all-powerful beast seeking me out to visit contempt and punishment upon me, while my role inevitably was as a puny, frightened, helpless creature of prey....always running, always terrified, helpless and unable to fight back.

i believe that only one who has experienced the seemingly unending horror and terror of a hostage-child's torture and abuse, can actually comprehend what i speak of.
not a soul alive would have taken issue had i chosen to abandon him to his eventual grave.

except for me....

there was always this tiny but unwavering flame of conscience....something within me was aware of unconditional love towards this man.
as much as i despised and was disgusted by him....ultimately i seemed to know he was very sick and could not help himself.
in retrospect, i likely could not have put that into words then.

mostly though, i was driven by a deep instinct which directed me.
if i could continue to summon courage to meet with him, especially in his later days, that i might be freed from the frightening nightmares, and he would eventually appear "right-sized" to me....especially in dreams.
this did in fact happen.
i'm grateful for the circumstances surrounding my mother's passing, determining then that i must have said all that needed saying to my father, before any chance of that happening was past.
this did in fact happen as well.
in his last years, he had become much smaller and quite frail, and of course, myself larger and stronger.
he was unable to walk for the last year and a half of his life.

i once traveled 3,000 miles, driven to achieve completion with him, having heard through family that he'd almost died from heart issues.
i didn't want to go through a replay of what had occured with mum.
upon finally arriving, i saw that he was recovering and out of danger.
still though, i came armed with a litany of "crimes" to present him with....of course for my sake.
any illusions that he would have an interest in hearing me out soon dissipated, as predictably, his only reaction was irritation about missing some of the baseball game on TV.

BUT.....

i had done what was possible to help myself to heal.
it was obvious that these efforts were wasted upon him.

he died some months later in 1992, after i had returned home to work and life in western canada.

even as i speak, what i feel is a sad indifference.

what was his legacy to me ?

not much to speak of, except the scars....and a clear example of how not to be !
and perhaps that sad indifference just referred to.

the sins of the fathers....

at this age and point of life, it seems important to leave some sort of positive legacy.
it's certainly not likely to be money or property.
offering these words, these stories shared with honest, willing open-mindedness....

this i can do !