special kind of love

i want to know that special kind of love
the kind i see up there on the movie screen
not the dirty kind
not the whisper and giggle in your buddy's ear kind
not the kind in those playboy's under my older brother's bed
not the jerking off and thinking of all sorts of things kind
not the cheap and boozy kind
the kind it seemed my auntie knew too well
i loved my auntie
not like that
even though sometimes her house smelled like farts, sour beer and really strong perfume
i wonder why the rank odor of those men would linger on her clothes
and in my nose while i was walking home
i used to stay there with her sometimes
to get away from my crazy father
i'm the only one who knew he was crazy
everyone else seemed to believe he was a fine and noble man
not me though
i saw it in his eyes too many times
how much he loved to hurt me with the burning from his eyes
i think this was his special kind of love
he would smile
only at the corner of his mouth
not in his eyes
not those eyes
those crazy eyes
this seemed his special pleasure
to hurt me with his burning eyes

i don't think i'll ever know that special kind of love
i think i was hurt too much by those burning eyes
i think i'm not supposed to know that special kind of love
i think my father never knew this kind of love
he had eight kids
but i don't think it was anything special what he did to have us
i think he couldn't let anyone around him come to know
this special kind of love
so he burned me with his crazy eyes
so that i would be just like him
and he could feel okay inside
for a while anyway
my father is dead now
but sometimes
i still feel those crazy eyes burning into my secret self
it's okay, dad, i'll never know that special kind of love
just like you wished for me
i wonder if it's okay for me to want it still

please, dear reader
let's keep this our secret then

sshhhhhh

don't tell him
please
he might wake up and come and burn me with his crazy eyes
don't tell him
please