taming the beast

64 years old....one would think the "blame-game" would have ceased by now.

nope....that's much easier said than done !

for this pilgrim, the "blame-game" has been anything but a game....due to decades of extreme emotional reactions to apparently minor events....in earlier days often resulting in physical violence.
i've come to think of these episodes as "road rage without the vehicle".

seems that however much this truth ( no-one is to blame ) is understood intellectually,
my knee-jerk reaction is to jump straight to the conclusion that "it" is someone else's fault.....whatever "it" is.
it's been so frustrating and confusing to experience these sudden mysterious shifts in perspective.
the feeling of malicious contempt that surfaces during the initial trigger period is always shocking, frightening and disturbing.

what helps is to accept and understand these phenomena as natural human-animal reactions to a perceived threat and/or violation.

one might think that awareness of this fact, combined with that violent personal history, ought to ease and settle my heart and mind at these times, and it does to a point.
but still, those first blinding moments seem like boundless hell broken loose.
for however brief period of time, suddenly there are no rules, consumed with a savage animal rage.

while writing this, i'm able to objectively acknowledge that these experiences are "normal" defense mechanisms for any living animal....the " fight or kill reflex " !

this is the crux of it....to remember there is nothing "wrong, shameful, evil, immoral, criminal or bad" about feeling this way.
there is nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for.

my personal and social responsibility while triggered is to be with and observe the disturbing feelings, while managing the "episode" as efficiently as possible until becoming again of a sane and predictable state of mind.

what seems to help mostly is exactly this....to write about it, talk about it, and contemplate the experience from any and all angles, being the student of these "episodes".

i cannot repeat this truth enough....

the fact is....these triggers are "normal" human-animal reactions to a perceived threat and/or violation !

it's the perceptions, not the perceiver, that have been chronically distorted....due to personal life experience and conditioning.

for any living creature....patience, love, acceptance, tolerance and understanding go a long way toward soothing the heart of the "savage beast".

throughout life, with few exceptions, i was the one that animals liked and trusted, it seemed as if they immediately recognized in me a friend and ally.

i pray that the beast within would accept me this way.

i pray to accept the beast within this way as well.

amen