self-fulfilling phrophesy

i've been wondering lately if or when the rush of intense confusing convoluted emotions would surface.
well, here we are....choking back tears....confused....so confused.

i had committed to go somewhere i really didn't want to be this evening.
i felt as frightened and vulnerable as a 3 year old when it came time to leave.
i did take myself there, and sure enough within 20 minutes of arriving, i felt compelled to leave.

i returned to a weekly social gathering spoken of in the recent entry "elephant in the room".
i am so upset just now, it's been quite a while since feeling so emotionally disturbed.
this is exactly the type of experience i've spoken of often.
fear, confusion, despair, anger, frustration, helplessness....and....voiceless.....as if i'm no longer here.

somehow i knew that my voice would not be respected this evening.
i've known the personalities involved for some time....
it seems to be a case of "personalities before principles" going on....in my eyes at least.
my best guess is that none of these people have any idea this might be so.

the "elephant in the room" prevails again....
it was quite remarkable how it played out, and so damned predictable.
when the time for me to speak about certain concerns came about, the format suddenly shifted and i was bypassed.
who knows if it was deliberate or not, but it did happen.

i had already suspected it would be a hopeless task to attempt to speak to what i've seen.
the people involved have never seemed (to me) interested in open-mindedness or change.
"smug complacency" is the phrase that comes to mind.....and control, at all costs, control.
more to the point, the people involved have never seemed the least bit interested in what i might have to offer.

this so mirrors the theme of recent entries....feeling voiceless, discounted, as if i don't even exist.
and it's some of the women in the group that seem to mirror this.

mysterious !

what i know is that for the time being, i will not go there....one of those situations that offers "sanctity"....but for vulnerable souls like myself, it amounts to " lip-service ".

the fact is i have not felt safe there for a while, and it's the women running the show that scare me off.

the usual "best of intentions" leading straight to a livng hell !....AGAIN !!!

and as i said while leaving...."i don't see the point in speaking !"

what a ride....a self-fulfilling prophesy fulfilling itself....there seemed nothing i could say or do to alter it's course.

mysterious !