elephant in the room

i am someone who has struggled mightily attempting to comprehend the myriad signals and cues that occur in almost any social situation.
this evening i consciously avoided going to a CODA ( co-dependents anonymous ) meeting that i've faithfully attended for months.
there's an adage i've picked up over a few years of attending AA meetings...."if you scratch an alcoholic, you get a co-dependent !"
my personal experience suggests that this is so.
what's a co-dependent ?....here's this layman's explanation.
someone who is addicted to an "other", often a substance abuser.
whereas AA's first step declares "i am powerless over alcohol, and my life has become unmanageable", in CODA, replace the word alcohol with "others"....virtually the same 12 steps and 12 traditions as AA....the same program and principles of recovery !
a co-dependent would be one who enables an addict/alcoholic to continue their substance use and abuse, for whatever their personal reasons....compulsively !
just as the addict seems incapable of quitting substance use on their own, the co-dependent feels unable to stop supporting and perpetuating the "sick" relationship.
i do mean "sick" rather than wrong, bad or immoral.

recently a man had begun attending these CODA meetings, and almost immediately i sensed he might have ulterior motives.
in the AA circles, a character like this would be labeled a " 13th-stepper ".
i've encountered more than a few during the past 5 years or so.
the underlying agenda for this person to attend meetings being to meet and hook up with vulnerable recovering women, with the intention of "scoring" !
a few private conversations with this fellow have virtually confirmed my suspicions.
according to his own words, he's a sex and love addict, someone compelled to seek out liaisons and/or partnerships to satisfy his addiction.
it wasn't long before observing (what seemed to me) familiar signs that he had hooked up with one of the women in our group, this guy not seeming concerned about the obvious cues advertising what seems to be his latest conquest....or perhaps he's unable to conceal these signals....who knows?
of course, i've known this woman for several months, and find myself feeling concerned and somewhat protective as a fellow member.

of course, i could be wrong, but i don't think so, trusting my instincts in this case.

so, for the last 2 sessions, i found myself sitting in yet another room with an "elephant" planted squarely across from me !
why is an "elephant in the room" so challenging....for me ?
because it is hiding in plain sight !
everyone with half a mind can see the obvious....and of course, no one seems to dare speak to it !
especially myself, what is there to say ?
what right do i have to bring it up for discussion within the context of the group ?
we are adults, making choices.
i'm still not sure exactly why this affects me so strongly..

we're in a CODA group, having openly admitted to being subject to unreasonable and/or unrealistic motives when it comes to relationships with others.
we're also consciously gathering together with the stated intention to support each other to overcome the "addiction" to hooking up with less than ideal partners.
yet, here we all were, with a large, smelly elephant dead centre of our room, and sure enough not one of us would choose to speak !!!

after 2 sessions of enduring this confusing and frustrating dynamic, i felt left with one choice to honour my own sense of sanctity, choosing to stay home and not subject myself to what seems to be group condoned "insanity".

there's an elephant in our CODA group, and i feel powerless to say or do anything about it.

what does the program suggest ?

LET GO AND LET GOD !  

LIVE AND LET LIVE !

i'm certain the elephant would prefer that we remain silent....or at least me !

SSSHHHHH !!!!

p.s.

one of the perks of this process is getting to review entries some time later.
in this case, in doing so, i see what i was missing then.

the frustration i had been feeling was almost word for word as described in step #1 of  CODA's 12 steps.

I AM POWERLESS OVER OTHERS AND MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE !

i felt powerless over the "13th stepper" situation, therefore life seemed unmanageable, and i decided to stay away from meetings !

nothing now but to laugh....and thank the powers that be for this awareness.

i think it will be okay now to return to "our" group.