veils of fear

some years ago an acquaintance referred to me as an "emotional cripple".
that statement seemed to slice through me like a rusty razorblade.
the pain was so acute, there seemed no choice but to conclude this must be true !

while huddled tonight in this cluttered hut, i'm feeling quite limited regarding options in general...."emotionally crippled" actually.

there's an excerpt from AA's Big Book declaring that an alcoholic is like a person who has lost a leg....they will never grow a new one !
this alcoholic in recovery identifies completely.
this issue has been one of life's most consistently frustrating challenges....to look down and see 2 legs, attempt to walk as others do, and fall face first into the gravel....again and again and again !

i am afraid !

AA's Big Book refers to "100 forms of fear"....seems more like 1,000 to me !

i am afraid !

how many veils of fear ?

100....1,000 ?

i am afraid !

today i spoke with an AA friend and advisor....his suggestion was simple....pray to be relieved of these veils of fear.

of course....recent experience suggests that prayer has always been what has brought about necessary change.

i am afraid !

i am afraid of prayer....i do not know why !

i imagine that without fear i will not know who or what i am !

i imagine that without fear i will be overcome by mysterious deadly forces !

i imagine that without fear i shall die !

i imagine that if i let someone love me, i will suffer endless excruciating agony !

i imagine that if i let myself love someone, i will suffer endless excruciating agony !

i imagine that i am destined to a monk-like existence....committed to learning to love all beings....at the cost of personal intimacy with any individual !

i imagine there is no escaping this fate !

most days i can live with this notion of life's prospects !

some days i despair !

today i despair !

prayer has never come easily....always it seems the pain has had to become greater than the fear of change !

in fact, when the pain was too much to bear, prayer to be relieved of the agony proved the only practical solution.

mood-altering and pain-relieving drugs no longer were an option....they just stopped working at a certain point....only compounding the suffering.

for this stubborn, arrogant, opinionated fool, to be led to a moment in life when absolute surrender and prayer were the only things that actually relieved the agony....i am still amazed....i had become the miracle i could never believe in !

yet, i am afraid !

i am afraid to pray tonight !

i do not know why !

you who read these words
please hear my plea
pray for me if you might
perhaps your prayers may help
as i am afraid to pray tonight !